Monday, April 9, 2012

Pin It


Stinky Fish

Our koi pond used to have lots of koi.  But then time and goo worked its magic and slowly the waterfall/well became filled with a sludge-like mixture down at the bottom that inhibited the ability of the water to flow over the water fall.  Something about viscosity and fluid dynamics, but frankly once Fred started talking about viscosity all I heard was blah blah blah.

The result of the goo, which I am sure has a technical name, is that over spring break some fish died.  We  got home about 2 am on Monday morning and Fred went out back to check on the pond and there was a terrible smell emanating from it.  

Dead floaters.  Ick.

So he did what any right minded soul would do at 2 am, he threw them into the deepest darkest bush we have.  Oh wait, a word first about our yard.  It is a jungle.  I say that in a nice way.  Except for that back corner where it is just lawless and awful.  That is where the previous owners told us that a family of coyotes were living before they put in a fence.  It is that overgrown.  Jungle doesn't even begin to describe it.  I hate the corner of the yard and have been wanting to clear cut it for years.

Anyway, into THAT is where the dead decomposing fish go.  Fred's side of this is that he (in deepest, dark night) finds an out of the way spot for them and lightly buries them.  

OK.  Since I wasn't actually out in the yard, I'll have to take his word for it.

Jam standing on the other side of the upper pond looking to the left.
So, the next morning I am near Willow and I notice that she STINKS.  I lean down and sniff.  OMG.  She has rolled in something nasty.  She has rolled in, oh crap.  She didn't. Yes. She did.  She rolled in decomposing fish.  

Great.  I give Willow a bath all the while complaining about the fish and why would she do this (hint: she's a dog and dead fish stink!).

After the bath, I'm pretty worked up and I let Jammers out to poo.  Well, in case you didn't know, Jammy likes to poo in a bush and he does a full twirl before his poo.  So he wanders off in search of a bush and guess which direction he goes?

In the direction of the dead decomposing fish graveyard that I don't know about. I follow behind but not too close because there is a bush between us.  I can see Jammy, but can't reach him.  Generally, this isn't a problem as he does his business and we go inside, but this time, he starts his twirl and a really great scent attracts his attention.  He stops. He sniffs.  He starts to investigate.  

Oh no.  

"Jammy!  What are you doing?"  I'm peering through the bush.  There isn't much foliage so I can see everything that is going on, he is grabbing something.  Something orange. "Jammy! Drop it!"

Yea.  I completely forgot that whole thing about don't say a command you can't follow through on.  I was way too far away to follow through on that drop it and Jam knew it.  He narrowed his eyes at me.  I made a darting movement toward the bush.  Jam ran to the right.  I ran to the left.  He flanked me and ran around the pond. 

I was so flustered by the fact that he had something in his mouth and I wanted him to drop it, that I didn't know what it was, that I was completely panicked, that everything I knew went out of my head and Jam and I played chase while this orange thing hung out of his mouth.  

Then it hit me.  HAPPY VOICE.  Criminy.  Use the happy voice!  I used the happy voice and Jam stopped and I got a hold of his collar and yanked out the orange thing which was


So I did what any right minded person would do.  I screamed and threw it as far away from me as I could get it.  It was a high arching throw that took it off to my left, over the bamboo, and then


Eeek. The dead fish was now in the neighbor's yard. First, I needed to wash out Jam's mouth with some water.  Then I stare at the fence and the neighbor's yard. Then I look at the pond

It's a fish.  A dead fish.  We have a fish pond. Things are not looking good for me.

Jam on the left and Willow on the right enjoying a lie down by the pond.
It's not too much of a leap.  We need to be good neighbors and Fred says should go get the fish.  It's the right thing to do.

I go over to the neighbor's house.

Knock. Knock.

"Hello?" A man answers the door.

"Hi, I'm your neighbor.  I have a dog and a fish pond.  We were on vacation and some of our fish in the pond died and my husband threw them into the back yard?" My voice goes up a bit to see if he is still with me. He nods.

"So, my dog was out there, in the back yard, and he grabbed one of the dead fish in his mouth! But I couldn't let him do that.  So I got it out, but when I pulled it out of his mouth and saw what it was, it was so gross that I got disgusted and just threw it and it landed in your yard."  I stare at him.  He stares at me.  I smile and shake my plastic bag helpfully.

"Is it in the pool?" He is bewildered.

"No.  It's by the garage.  I just didn't want to startle you by appearing in your backyard unannounced.  Do you mind if I go get it?  It's really stinky."

"Be my guest." I notice the tool belt he is wearing.  I turn and see the repair truck.  I think this guy is a repair man and not the owner!  Could it be that my neighbor might not ever know about stinky fish?

Oh, man. Things are starting to look up.

1 comment:

  1. so, so funny. Thanks for sharing! Your blog is always well written and I enjoy reading it. Thanks for the laughs tonight. :)